How it all started for me.

100_8595People always like to ask you “when did you get saved”   i never have a straight answer.  i believe i was called before birth, heard the “sinners prayer” at 13 in the court-house, when my dad was trying to get rid of me through the court system.(why i love Psalm 27)    i like to think it was many, many years later that i got saved.  While on break at work.  i was out side in my car smoking a cigarette and saw a butterfly.   There were no flowers just buildings.  So I knew it was from God.  See butterflies symbolize transformation.  Something i seek for myself.   To be better than i am.  Always growing.

i saw that butterfly and knew God had sent it to me, as a promise of transformation.  Then began this journey of going to a church that lead to our current  church.  So here i am proclaiming His Holy Name.  Something i never saw myself doing.   For when i was 13 i certainly was not praying out loud in the C-Towne grocery store, or while drinking 40 oz Old English 800.  Two years later i did cry out to God to have me stop doing drugs.  He was Faithful of course, and redeemed me.  For 15 years i didn’t touch them.

Through the course of life’s tragic events i pick  THC (pot) back up again.  (age 30)  i sat on my couch high and said  “God i didn’t do this all through my mid teens and twenties why would You let me pick this back up again?”     i believe this may have been the first time i heard God talk to me.   He said and i quote  ” DO YOU REALLY THINK IT WAS YOU KEEPING YOURSELF CLEAN ALL THOSE YEARS?”     Talk about a humbling moment.  Wow i had to repent and  See God for who He was my sustainer, deliverer.  i then asked help me.  He said “Go help someone else”  By His Grace and His Grace alone i did.  i helped remodel some ones bedroom of all things.   Go figure.

So there  i was in my car (now 35ish) with God’s promise to redeem, transform me.  Everyday i see His handy work in my life.   i have since picked up pot, put it down, picked it back up.  Back and forth i go.  Difference is i go to God in the high.  (for the record no i am not high now)

i guess i should share my view on pot first for this post to make any sense.  As a kid i hated pot/drugs.  Then i smoked pot for the first time at age 10.  i remember being in the shower and saying to God.  Now i can never say i never did drugs.  My ego and pride were hurt.   So at 15 i said this won’t get me where i want to be in life and stopped.  For 15 years i hated people who did.  i would ask people their name,  if they smoked, and if the answer was yes.  i  would not talk to them ever again.   So you can see why at 30 years of age i was a little perplexed that i had started smoking again.

i am learning so much about God through all this.  First i am judgmental.   Judge not, yea be doing  the same thing you judge.   Second we all fall short, what makes pot any worse than any other sin in my life?   i still think that pot is not the way to go.  i believe that God wants us clear-headed.  i have learned that God Will cause ALL THINGS TO WORK FOR GOOD TO THOSE WHO ARE CALLED AND LOVE HIM.

i do not know where this post is going so please let me pray.  Father do not let my sin shame Your Holy Name.  Father let my life bring Glory to You Holy Name.  May my sin lead others to repentance.  May all that i am declare Your Goodness, Salvation, Redemption.

i believe that with all this back and forth God is trying to show me my sin.  That when i think i am ok.  Pleasing to Him.  i am still filthy rags in His Holy Presence.  That i can go to church 3 times a week.  say my prayers at night and before meals.  i can pick up that piece of trash from the side of the road.  Or help the old lady cross the street.   If i have not love and repentance in my heart it means NOTHING TO HIM.    I believe that He is showing me that Love and Thanksgiving is what He wants.  That in the High i can and do Thank Him, seek Him for my protection and Salvation.  Ask Him to lead me to bring Glory to Him.  To use me in spite of my sin.   When i am not smoking pot for years or months, i don’t ask him such things.  i think i know His law i’ll follow it, i am following it.  When i am smoking pot that which i deem un-redeeming i see myself for the sinner i truly am and humble myself.   This is leading me to see all Gods children wherever they are in their  walk with Him as Redeeming, Loved by God.   God uses the murderer, the rapist, the pothead, crack head, the lowly  in life.   These are the people Jesus came to save.  the righteous don’t need it.

i can hear it now.  Heresy!  She is of satan.   Jesus said a kingdom divided can not stand.  i declare God’s Glory and KINGDOM.   i have to be of Him.  For it is Him that dwells within me that declares all His Goodness, Salvation, Redemption.  How can i be of satan when i am asking God to deliver me from him?

i don’t understand all this either.  i just know i want that prayer as a little kid to manifest in my life.

God “let me see Your Light, grow towards Your Light and be filled with Your Light”    Where this prayer came from i can only guess God.  For i have not heard it before or since i was 6 years old.

My prayer now is let ALL of me Glorify You Lord.  NONE OF ME ALL OF YOU GOD.  Take that which i bring to Your Alter and make it Holy for You are Holy.

Only God can transform.  i can’t tried and failed numerous times.  i have fallen enough times to know.  It is Only God that Delivers us from sin.  Our best efforts don’t no matter how much we like to think WE HAVE THE WILL POWER.    Your fooling yourself  if you think this.  For God’s Grace is on EVERYONE.  HE RAINS ON THE JUST AND UNJUST.      i just happen to be the unjust He is Raining His Grace and Mercy and Blessings on.


may all that i do be unto You Lord Jesus, My HEALER, REDEEMER,  DELIVERER,  ONLY JESUS CAN MAKE ME CLEAN.100_8605


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